Listen

I have a big problem listening.

I'm not entirely sure if I developed this skill over years of listening to "Bible Thumpers" telling me that women don't belong in God's plans, or if perhaps, it was my father slewing together hours of lectures in hopes of me somehow overcoming human nature and obtaining perfection.

I can't pinpoint the day I learned to roll my eyes as a silent way of saying "I just stopped listening, you're wasting your breath," but it is something I have carried into adulthood.

Into my marriage.

Into my walk with God!

It's really unfortunate that I am only recognizing it now. If I would have cared 10 years ago, I'm pretty sure I could have not just skated through school and actually graduated with an impressive GPA. I really don't think I'm dense. I think I have just trained myself to pick out broad themes and general ideas instead of really paying attention.

The time has come in my life for me to just listen.

I think deciding to listen to my dad would be maybe step 12 of the program. I'm starting with really listening to God. I know He has called me to write, so I am. I'm taking my time to make this little blog of mine radiate who I am in Christ.

I don't think I'm always the best writer, I probably have some grammatical errors that drive some people CRAZY! (Moses had a stutter.. it's just the way He does things.)  But I am going to focus on improving. I am going to be raw and vulnerable here.

I don't write because I think I'm better. I write because it's where I feel at home. It's my best way to relate to people.

There you have it. I'm not going to be too intimidated to be real here anymore, and hopefully that will mean a bit more consistency in my postings.

and hopefully, you can all feel welcome here. I might not be the best host, but I certainly am genuine.

Come on in-

Lindsay

Dear Mean Girls,

On the days I felt pretty, you seemed prettier. When I had the friends I always wanted, you stole them. the things that were mine, my experiences, my memories.. there you were, in the middle of it, stealing the spotlight.

I hated you. 

I hated that you could be so ugly inside, and yet somehow people liked you more. I tried so hard to wear the right thing, say the right thing, befriend the right people, go to the right places. I tried so hard to be like you. I'd like to say I wasn't jealous, but I was. It seemed like everything I had, you had a better one. 

The thing I hated the most was that you seemed so intent on leaving me out. On being better. 

I have carried this anger far too long though. See... you were a mean GIRL. And mean girls get their chance at popularity. And then beauty flees and they too become just like the rest of us. 

I may have wanted to be a mean girl, but I do not want to be a mean woman. 

I hope you don't either. 

We are living real life now. Our families deserve the best of us. If that is who you are, then feel free to be yourself, but that was never me. All the pushing and faking it and trying to be that way never worked because it's not who I am. I wish I would have been a little more sure of myself then. Maybe it wouldn't have hurt so much to feel less than important to people like you. The point is, it doesn't anymore.

I may be scarred, but I'm no longer wounded. 

And maybe knowing people like you will teach me to love more. To teach my children to not be so shallow. To enjoy my life and not try to mold it into someone else's.  

You can read this (if you read it at all) as hate mail, but I think of it as a "Thank You" letter. Thank you for showing me how not to treat people. Because I have a feeling, somewhere along the way, I maybe hurt you too. I probably said something mean that got back to you. I probably rolled my eyes at you when you spoke close enough for me to hear. So.. I'm sorry. I should have taken the high road. 

The reason I really wanted to write to you, though, was not to tell you all the reasons I hated you or how horrible a person you are. It is to tell you, I forgive you. Not for your sake, but for mine. And if our paths cross in the future, I want to know that there is no emotion, good or bad, that may hold me back. 

I hope this finds you well- 

Lindsay